Zalgo's Store Rage (Friday)
by LadyTwat
Summary: Lord Zalgo decides to put his Creepypastas back in order, and send them to the human realm for rehab. He sets up a store to teach them the skills of acceptance, but little did he know the horrors of customer service.


**Don't fret if you wonder where the beach part is, that's next up!**

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"You four are by far the biggest mistakes I have _ever_ made in my entire life!" The furious Lord Zalgo slammed his fist on the table, jarring the pastas around it. The slender brothers hung their heads low at the other end. "I have never been so disrespected and defied before!" Zalgo bellowed. "And Slenderman, will you take that _damn_ wig off!"

Slender pulled it off and hid it quickly behind his back.

Zalgo rubbed his eyes. "Sit down. Now."

' _HALLELUJAH!_ ' Offender's phone went off. ' _You have a message from God._ '

Zalgo narrowed his eyes at Offender, who muttered an apology. Trender lunged forward to grab Offender's phone and caught something hard. Offender gulped. "Um brother, my phone is in my hand, you've grabbed..."

Trender turned as red as a tomato and pulled his hand away. The brothers sat themselves down with Offender last to sit. A loud whoopee cushion ripped and echoed off the walls for 10,000 years. Ben held his laugh as his chest busted out, so much that the buckle around his belly snapped and hit Rake in the eye. The Rake roared, leaped onto the table and sprinted at Ben. Ben looked like he saw Offender drop his pants and swing his willy in front of their faces.

Ben scrambled under the table with Rake swinging his claws. Rake snatched his ankle and yanked him back, their heads banged against the table. Ben squealed like a piglet accompanied by 'oink, oink' sounds.

Jane grabbed Splendor's wine bottle, smashed it against the edge and pointed it at Jeff. "I'll smite you!" Jeff grabbed a glass of water and threw it at her face. Both of them clambered onto the table and fought.

The three proxies looked at each other and nodded. They stood up, went to their Master and Masky slammed his fist in Slender's face. Slenderman fell back and stared at them. The three proxies started kicking him. "This is what happens when you don't give us a pay rise, bitch!" Masky kicked Slender's ribs while Hoodie kicked his head. Toby twitched and started vibrating on his crotch. Slender swung his arms in the air like he was catching fairies. "That's for never taking me to the prom!" "That's for being tall!" "That's for being the worst wingman in bromance history!" "That's for being a total douche!" "That's for making me wash the dishes!"

Laughing Jack glared at Splendor. "You think you can practice your wank sucking abilities by sucking my lollipops!?"

Splendor's mouth dropped open. "No wonder you have such an abundant amount!" His tentacle reached over and bitch slapped Jack. Laughing Jack smiled at Eyeless Jack and they high-fived. Both them got up and charged at Splendor like bulls on cocaine.

Offender grinned and unzipped his trousers at the scene. Trender and Bob sat in silence. " **SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUP**!" Zalgo stood up and shrieked so loud that everyone held their ears, and finished when his throat hurt. He panted and his eyes burned everyone's soul. "What every single of you needs is rehabilitation!" He soothed his neck. "You will all go out into the human realm and get jobs."

"Isn't killing their jobs?" Jeeves asked, his voice quiet. Mr. Puggles slept and purred in his arms.

Zalgo shook his head. "Everyone follow me." He and Jeeves led the pastas out of the conference room and down a grand flight of stairs. Jeeves kept close to his Lord. Zalgo walked through the west wing of the palace and entered the library. He went to a bookcase and pulled out a book to reveal a hidden passageway.

"Sir...?" Jeeves looked between the passageway and his Lord.

"I've never told anyone about this for very good reasons," Zalgo said and stepped down the stairs, walked down a long corridor until a large, steel door stood in their way. Zalgo pressed a block and pressed his hand onto a keypad. It beeped and the locks twisted and turned as the door opened wide. He stepped in and took one of the bright green liquids off the shelf. He turned around. "This here was to be used in an emergency should we need to retreat into civilisation if the UnderRealm ever collapsed."

"What's it do?" Ben asked.

"This here will... transform you into a _human_." Zalgo swished the liquid about. "This will last about a week and you will all use this to work in a 24-hour convenience store. It will teach you communication and patience- which we are _extremely lacking_!" He glared at Jane and Jeff. He and Jeeves handed out the substances to the group.

Jeeves moved Mr. Puggles to his Lord's shoulder and read off the clipboard. "Here's the following order: Jane, Jeff, and both Jacks, you'll work the morning shift from 6 in the morning to 12 in the afternoon. The brothers will work the noon shift until 6. For the evening shift, the 3 proxies will work from there until 12 in the morning. And finally, Rake, Bob and Ben will work the night shift until 6 in the morning once more."

 **Morning Shift**

"I truly am the most beautiful man in all of the human race. To gaze upon me is to see divinity itself." Jeff perfected his hair in the window as Eyeless Jack (who wasn't so eyeless now) stood behind the till, while Laughing Jack and Jane restocked the shelves. A man came into the store and the pastas tensed up. How were they going to act like humans around him?

"Hey, um, could I use the bathroom real quick?"

Jack looked at Jeff with puppy eyes. Jeff bit his tongue. "S-sure. In the back." He pointed and the customer went away. Jeff wiped his forehead and turned back to admiring himself. "Hey, do you think we should call Eyeless Jack 'Eye Jack'?"

Just then the phone rang and Laughing Jack ran to the counter to pick it up. "Thank you for calling _Pasta 24-hour convenience store_. How can I help you?"

"Put my daughter on the phone!" A woman shrieked.

Laughing Jack put it on speaker for the other pastas to hear. "I'm sorry? This is _Pasta 24-hour c_ -"

"No it isn't! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn't supposed to have boys over!"

"I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number."

" _No I don't_!"

Laughing Jack sighed, "Look, I'm afraid–"

"You better be! I'm on my way home _right now_ and god help you if you're still there!"

At that moment Lord Zalgo came out of the office and shot the phone and Jack a look. "I assure you this is a retail store. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?"

She dripped with sarcasm, "Oh suuuure! Put me through to your _supervisor_!"

Zalgo frowned and picked up the phone. "You are calling _Pasta 24-hour convenience store_ , speak."

"What?! Who are you? Why are you in my house?!"

Zalgo rolled his eyes and hung up. "Block the number." He slunk back into the office.

Jeff toyed a finger through his hair. "So soft..."

Jane placed her hands on her hips. "Oh yes, you're such a manly man. Why don't you put in braids?"

Jeff glared at her. "Guys, where is that dude that came in earlier? He's been in there for 15 minutes." On cue the man came out and smiled at Jeff.

"Don't worry, I washed my hands."

Jeff narrowed his eyes. "I sure hope so." A wave of a hellish smell erupted into the room and the pastas exchanged looks. Eyeless Jack's face scrunched up like paper, left the till and went into the bathroom where it became stronger. There was a mountain of crap on the floor. In shock, Jack instantly vomited. As he threw up the other 3 pastas came to look.

" **Get out!** " Jack screeched like a banshee. The phone rang, customers came in. Jeff ripped the phone cord off the wall and Jane locked the doors.

"He stepped in it! It's all over the shop floor!" Laughing Jack screamed. The pastas ran about like headless chickens.

Zalgo tore the door open. "What are you morons d-" As soon as the putrid odour hit his nose, his stomach contents exploded onto the floor. "The bleach, get the bleach!"

 **Afternoon Shift**

Trender yawned and flicked through the newspaper, nothing interesting went on in the world today. Offender and Slender both poked their facial features in the window. Slender pulled his nose and his eyelids. Trender's eyes widened at the headline: ' _Tired Gay succumbs to Dik in 200 metres._ ' Splendor talked to a customer. A woman came into the store and Trender put his newspaper away while Offender and Slender straightened themselves. She looked over her shoulder and leaned in close to Trender. "Yes, um, I was wondering if you had any books about… the 'F' word."

Trender furrowed his eyebrows. "Well, um, we have our romance novels over by the-"

"No, no! The _other_ 'F' word."

Trender was confused. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to. Would like me to-"

She threw her arms in the air and yelled, "For Christ's sake! Feminism! I'm looking for a book on feminism! Now the whole store knows my business! Thank you!" She ran out of the store in a huff.

The man beside Splendor looked at him. "Is she going to be all right?"

"I certainly hope so," Splendor mumbled, and led the customer to the till and took over from Trender. Trender said he was going for a break.

"That's the third time in under two hours," Offender whispered to Slender. Two young women entered the store and Offender waltzed over to them like wings were on his feet. After a couple of minutes, one of the women came up to the till to pay. Splendor counted the change with a smile.

"Stop staring at my boobs!"

He turned red. "Huh?"

"You heard me!"

He started shaking. "I-I'm so sorry! I was just counting the money you gave me."

"No, you were staring at my boobs and pretending to count the money. Let me talk to your manager right now! I'm going to get you fired!" Before Splendor could say anything, Slender came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Splendor's waist.

"I'm the manager. Are you bothering my boyfriend?" Slender smiled. The woman turned red and quickly fled the store. Zalgo came out a moment later.

"Have you seen Offender anyw-" He stopped and stared slack-jawed at Slender's and Splendor's position. Both brothers disbanded and coughed while Slender sputtered out an explanation.

"So... about Offender..."

"I-I don't know, my Lord..."

 _'Oh my god!'_

A moan came out from the cleaning closet and Zalgo's face lit up like fire. He slammed his heel into the door and saw Offender making out with the missing female customer. Offender looked like someone shoved a soup ladle up his asshole. Poor thing looked startled. "W-wait I can expl-" Offender was cut short when Zalgo's yanked him out of the closet, still half naked. Offender screamed and cried as Zalgo dragged him into his office.

A moment later there was a gunshot and the sound of meat slapped. Offender ran out while Zalgo chased and whipped his butt. "Ow! Ow! Stop- ow! It hurts!" Offender was cornered and Zalgo unleashed all his energy into whipping his knees and head.

"When I'm finished with you, I'm gonna wipe your hoohah on the bark of the trees outside!"

 **Evening Shift**

Surprisingly, the evening shift had been very fruitful with customers. The three proxies found out that they were very good at handling the humans' needs. Currently, Toby was moping the floors and Hoodie was looking for an item for the customer Masky was about to ring up. "Would you like to pay by card?"

"Yep! Just a sec… shit."

"I'm sorry, that's not a form of payment."

The entire shop erupted in laughter.

She smiled and shook her head. "Here you go. It's my husband's."

"Oh that's perfectly fine so long as you have permission."

"My husband's really handsome… but he's mine!" She shot him a death glare.

"Uh…" Masky blinked.

"He's handsome and he's mine!"

"Did someone want coffee beans?" Hoodie called out.

"Oh! That's mine!" She gave Masky another glare. "Like my husband!"

He smiled awkwardly and quickly sent her on her way. Hoodie came up to him and asked what just happened and Masky explained. "I'll talk to Lord Zalgo," Hoodie said. Masky begged him not to go but Hoodie assured him everything would be fine. Hoodie took a deep breath like he was stealing it all for himself, knocked and entered.

In the office, Zalgo stared at him like a demented granny. Hoodie gathered up his courage. "My Lord, I'd like to report an issue in the workplace- I'm homosexual."

Zalgo raised an eyebrow. "… Okay?"

Hoodie gasped, "No, no, no! I meant there's hot homo sex!" Hoodie shook his head. "Look, I'm getting fisted now- _frustrated_!" Hoodie screeched like a parrot and his legs jiggling like jelly, he picked up a box above his head like a gorilla and slammed his body into the wall. Zalgo stared at him for a moment in disbelief, he reached under his desk, poured some liquid on a rag, inhaled deeply, and passed out.

Masky came in to check on what was causing all the ruckus, he gasped when he saw Hoodie. "Hoodie! Hoodie! Speak to me!" He shook his friend's body but got no response. Masky pulled out a single daisy and placed in Hoodie's hands, but the flower died instantly. Masky wailed and Toby came into the room.

He placed a hand on Masky's shoulder. "I know it's hard, and you're suffering greatly, but we must focus on the now. It's what Hoodie what've wanted."

Masky sniffled. "Bu-b-b-b-"

"No buts- only booty. We have to let go, it's the fond memories that you miss. I'll help you."

"No! No, you can't! No one can replace this gorgeous man!"

"You're only in denial, it will pass. You will see reality- you can do it Masky! Believe in yourself!"

"Hoodie has been able to do one thing which you could never. Whenever I'm sad, he would sit with me, and throughout the night have a hard cock."

Toby turned silent and his hand slid from Masky's shoulder. He stood up and walked backwards, his eyes frozen in place. He left the office and locked the door. "Toby? I meant to say hard _talk_! Toby?!" Masky screamed and shook the door handle and banged his pelvis. "Toby!" Toby walked backwards out of the store, and locked it too. He sprinted down the street and got into a bus that would take him far, far away.

 **Night Shift**

Ben yawned for the hundredth time, staring out the window at the deserted road. The night shift seemed completely pointless, there had been no customers for the past few hours and it was 3 in the morning! All he did was yawn and snack on some food, while he waited with his thumb stuck up his butthole for a damn customer to buy their stuff!

Rake and Bob enjoyed a quiet game of cards, with Bob over-the-white-ass-moon that he finally had arms, and Rake finally able to pick up items without slashing them into pieces. To be honest, the pastas didn't mind their human forms too much. "Dude this sucks my nose," Ben moaned, taking a large gulp of an energy drink. His head nodded to the music that softly played from the radio.

Ben's eyes gazed lazily around the room, then he noticed something stare back at him and sending shivers down his rustled jimmies. A monster, a beast, an ogre, a creature that should never had set foot on the planet… a spider. Ben nudged Rake. "Yo, yo, yo, yo-yo, there's a big punk spider up there." He pointed to the corner of the shop. "Okay, nobody panic. Hear me?! Don't panic!"

"Shut up, Ben," Rake mumbled and pulled out a Nerf gun from under the counter and shoved it into Ben's hands. Bob handed him a samurai outfit. Ben put it on and tiptoed towards the spider, he raised his gun and missed. He leaped back and fired, shrieking at the top of his lungs like Rambo- he missed each time. Ben squealed and hid behind Rake, who crossed his arms.

"Okay, okay calm down," Ben said to himself and went over to the energy drinks, opened one and started gulping it down. Zalgo came out a moment later and growled at him. He squeezed the bottle and the drink spurted up Ben's nose. Ben screamed like a teapot and his head vibrated like he was possessed. Zalgo stood with his arms folded- waiting an explanation. Ben rubbed his nose. "We're trying to kill a spider." Rake and Bob nodded in agreement. Ben led him to its location. Zalgo took out a flame thrower and handed it to Ben.

"Now just a small-"

"You harming my children?!" The pastas turned around and their mouths dropped open at a giant spider the size of a car. "YOU HARMING ME CHILDREN?!" She spat webs out like a crazed Spiderman having a seizure and it covered all over the walls. Ben dropped the flame thrower. The pastas screamed at the top of their lungs, stormed for the exit and ran across the road- screaming into the night. Ben tried to undress from the samurai outfit but a web caught his leg and yanked him back into the air. Rake, Bob and Zalgo ran as fast sports cars. They ran past the slender brothers, who then joined them with the running and screaming.

Zalgo and Offender ran side by side, Zalgo smirked and elbowed Offender making him fall. A web caught his ankle and dragged him back, his fingers digging into the road. His head shook and cried for mercy. The pastas ran in separate directions with Zalgo hopping on a train. He climbed in through a window and breathed a sigh of relief. He asked a man wearing a uniform if there was phone he could use, and Zalgo dialled Jeeves.

"Yes, my Lordship?"

"Jeeves, I'll explain this all later but right now I need you to call pest control, a hospital for them dimwits Ben and Offender, and pick me up from a train station."

"Oh… okay. What station will you arrive at?"

"… Dipshit City."

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 **Hope I haven't put too much swears in or I'll have to change this to a rating of M.**

 **I'm terribly sorry this hasn't come out earlier, several exams had my time consumed.**

 **Now I hope this is an improvement from Thursday!**


End file.
